One

At this time last year I was flying high on a pinch of nitrous, a dash of fentanyl, and what I think had to have been a heaping spoonful of adrenaline. At this time last year I was at the height of my impatience for finding out just who I had been housing for the previous nine + months, eager to meet the little human who was digging their elbows in my ribs, and turning somersaults after any extra sugar came their way (usually followed by a couple hours of silence, which I determined was the inevitable sugar crash). At this time last year I was being coached by an amazing team of doctors, nurses, and family (daddy and grandma Gayle) to do what I had to do in order to get you out into the world - and in the instant that you emerged into the nurse's arms, before I even heard your first cries or the words, "It's a boy!", I was in awe of you.

The awe continued as we left the labour and delivery ward and settled into a 24 sq foot curtained corner that became our home for your first three days of life. I remember on that first night looking through broken blood-vesseled eyes at your soft dark hair and your perfect little face, and wondering who exactly qualified me for this job. I recall being so scared I wouldn't do be able to do everything for you that you required - because I knew you deserved the best chance at life. I still believe that, and I still try as hard as I can to give it to you, even through my inevitable (and huge) imperfections as a parent and fellow human.

I think back to those days at St.Boniface hospital, setting my alarm for every two hours to try to feed you, although I didn't sleep a wink in between because there were three adults and three babies all together in one teeny tiny room. And the sleep deprivation was j-u-u-s-s-s-t beginning! But you sleep pretty well presently (fingers crossed), so I can now look back to those days with relief and remember rocking and nursing you for one...two...occasionally three hours at a time in the earliest morning hours, while Katy Perry serenaded us with "California Girls" on the Much Music Countdown. I still can't hear "Wish Right Now" without sending myself straight back to those humid summer nights when you were so small and new. I also can't look at a cabbage without thinking about being covered in it's leaves, sniffling into the phone to the Health Links nurse on that first night home with you.

You have won our hearts little Peanut! Not that you had to try hard. You are goofy, snuggly, curious, laid back (but occasionally quite stubborn!), social, and oh so sweet. As I now listen to your indignant cries over being put down for a nap (really mom, on my birthday??), I can't believe how much you've grown and changed from that scrawny little dark haired newborn. The stages we went through to get you from there to here are pretty crazy to think about (from putting you to sleep in a laundry basket, to the many months of swaddling, to finally getting you to sleep more than 15 minutes at a time in your own crib!. But I did happen to sneak into your room the other night (yes, I am THAT mom), and while "This Pretty Planet" repeated itself softly in the background, I noticed that you were still sucking in your sleep, just like you've done from the very beginning. It was then that I knew that you were still just a baby in big boy clothes.

We have had such a privileged year in getting to know you, even despite the many ups and the many more downs. You've changed all of us, and you will continue to do so as we all "grow up" together. We love you so much Hudson, and there is nothing I would change about my life if it meant that you wouldn't be a part of it. Daddy and I will pray for you like we always do, and do our best to nurture you and help you grow into the little boy we know is in there.

And now for a pictorial month by month review:

Happy birthday, sweetest son!