The Project

Picture titled "Get Rid of Clutter - Get Rid of Stress." Very appropriate.

 
Yes, The Project. Sigh.
Since January, our spare bedroom has been packed full of stuff. Baby stuff. Grown up stuff. Stuff from our wedding, and when we merged our lives together. Stuff from when I lived in Red Deer. Stuff from Briercrest. Stuff from eight separate moves to various areas across Western Canada. During these moves, I thought I had done a good job of sifting through the unnecessary items and not being too sentimental about it, but still - seven+ years of two people's stuff can still amount to heaps of taped up boxes carefully tucked away at the back of storage lockers, to be dealt with "another day."

Well, "another day" happened a couple of months ago at my mom's announcement that she wanted to visit in May or June, and the necessity to provide somewhat decent sleeping quarters became apparent. It started out not too badly. I quickly began organizing things into categories, and made the most out of the next couple of weeks, hauling bins and boxes up and down the stairs, camping stuff under the stairs, Christmas stuff in the green and red bin, etc., etc. It was physically tiring, but I was making progress, so I was happy. But all of a sudden it came to a bit of a standstill, when I started opening the boxes containing the remnants of my life over the past eight or so years.

Inside these boxes were notes from old friends, pictures of a seventeen year old me on the way to my first home away from home, journals with passages from the Bible that I memorized and re-memorized, CDs from last minute road trips, songs that I wrote, not necessarily meant to be shared, but just as an outlet for some of the things going on at those times, letters (oh, the letters!) from Ty while he was away tree planting, and we had just started dating, and the list goes on and on. I decided at this time to begin scrapbooking some of these events, so I could keep the little things like one the trees from Ty's bundle during his second year of planting, or the Care Cards I used to get in my mailbox at Briercrest, and have them somewhere safe. So I also began the rather large task of starting a scrapbooking collection, with intention of plotting out my journey in the last seven years since I left home.

What I didn't count on was the emotional response I would have to looking at myself just leaving high school, to now. I was so different then. Obviously I've grown up a little since then - moving away, college, marriage, and babies tend to do that. But it's more than that. Something deep inside has changed, and honestly - not all for the better. Over the years, I have lost a huge part of me that I would love to have back.

I am finding it hard to shake off some of the difficult issues of years ago, and most recently, struggling to find my feet after a tough twelve or so months. The depression and anxiety that I have dealt with for quite a few years came back in a big way this fall, winter, and spring, and in the face of changing hormones, a good deal of stress, the dreaded one year mark for some of my big losses, and not many options for soft places to fall, it has become very hard to cope with. But I am getting through. I finally, at long last, was brave enough to tell my new doctor about some of the things I struggle with (the same one that ran the bloodwork for me), and after several lengthy discussions, decided that I should at least try medication to help with this. I am also seeing a counsellor (I'm checkin' in (she's checkin' in)), a very lovely woman (reinforcing the fact that I have never met an Eastern Canadian that I didn't like) who seems to ask questions that are drawing out answers that catch me off guard, as I tend to shove things down so far that I am a little surprised when the truth actually comes out of my mouth. She is helping me name the things in my life that are holding me down, keeping me silent, and in doing so, hopefully freeing myself from them. Another very key change is reading the Bible daily, on my own, and writing down the things that stand out. It's always amazing how much that helps to start the day out right, to be challenged right off the bat, and see how it unfolds in every day life. I am also still keeping active and eating good food and trying to get fresh air, all factors in getting myself well again.

I don't hate life. I cherish many moments that are given to me. I love when that cheerio-scented head of blonde goodness cuddles up on my shoulder and whispers "da da da" in my ear. I am still soaking in the beautiful prairie landscape, and can't for the life of me understand why people don't care for it. I still laugh at stupid movies, and enjoy visiting with friends, am truly thankful for the places God has taken me. I have a hard time looking forward to the future though, which is new for me . As much as I absolutely, without a doubt know there are still so many good things to come, it's just hard to see them when you're so...stuck inside.

I really hope these changes amount to something. At the very least, I can go into the spare room and breathe easy now that it is free and clear, and focus now on things like getting stripey curtains or a semi-comfy futon (if there ever was one!) for my mom's visit. But I want to be different - to take some of the bits and pieces of the old me and pair them up with  parts of the current me that have grown through life's experiences. I don't want to just cope with life - I want to make the most of it. I think that's the bottom line. Everyone has those Projects, or spare rooms that hold memories and past lives and other things that hurt to revisit. I'm hoping mine begins a process of fresh growth for me, of healing, and changes for good.

Lyrics from Jennifer Knapp's Martyrs and Thieves:

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win 

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
 
Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can